Sometimes you feel like you've been working very hard, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes (and often this is how I feel) you do a whole lot but you still feel like you've gone no where. You feel as though you have accomplished nothing, that you should be doing more or should be constantly working on things when you are taking a break.
I have trouble with finding that balance between work and play. I used to believe I was above having an addictive personality, but the older I have gotten the more I believe that is not the case. I OBSESS over things for a long time, then... I'm done. Off to the next project, the next game, the next thing. I draw a lot, but then I don't draw for months, I work non-stop then I'm done, I read 3 books then I won't read another for months, my brain works like this.
It can be beneficial.
If I set my mind to something that I want, I'll often achieve that in short order due to this obsessive character trait. But, I also get into slumps. With some of my hobbies and pass times, I feel fine obsessing over them. Dancing, for instance, is something I never feel guilty doing even if I am obsessing. It's inclusive of others, its a skill I'm developing, and it is something that, most of the time, elates me. Video games I view as a valuable hobby. I love it, its been something that I've done for years and years, and I have no issues with putting time and money into it because it is a hobby.
However, video games sometimes consume me. A new game I've been wanting to play can eat away days of my life in a short period of time. Granted, I would most likely spend that much time in the game eventually, but I've been known to sink a days worth of hours (that is 24 for you who don't know) in a matter of 3 days of playing.
Once I realize this, I pull away from these things, these hobbies. I focus solely on work, on finding a job, on things that are supposed to be "grown up stuff".
On my most recent trip to Nashville, which was wonderful by the way, I was speaking with my momma. She always has words of wisdom for me, truths she sees that I often overlook. Usually, these are hidden amongst the other conversations. Its funny what your brain latches onto. She mentioned that I have hobbies too, and that booking roles and being in films wasn't my only thing. There is more to life than that.
That is the dumbest, most simple thing and yet... I forgot. I simply lost site of fun and games and hobbies and almost all other aspects of life because I've been so hung up on booking roles and being an "actor" when what I need to be is a person, a human being who happens to excel at acting. Its so simple, but sometimes you lose sight of important things in your own life that are, if you were looking from the outside, glaringly obvious.
Food for thought.
My trip to Nashville, my home, was absolutely wonderful. I hung out with my brother, drank my body weight in beer from Tennessee Brew Works, and played video games. I saw some great friends that I always love to see when I'm in town. I danced at The 5 Spot, watched Harry Potter with my sister, and played board games with my family (something we hate/love to do. Much bickering during, but everyone remembers playing fondly). My dad made me pan fried chicken, fried in lard (that's something I can't get out here in CA because everyone here is a peasant when it comes to proper cooking. I haven't tried "every" restaurant though, so maybe...) My momma and I had great conversations and I even got to see my grandmother while I was in town.
I can honestly say, the hardest thing about living out here in California is being loved by my family so much. It is positively heart wrenching every time I leave Nashville to leave them. The plane ride is me questioning my decision of leaving Nashville, of leaving my friends and my family, and every time I wonder if I made the right decision.
So far, I think I have. I hate missing parts of their lives. I hate being so far away I can't be there for them in person, I can't see them and eat with them and simply be there. I'm days late on news of their lives and the happenings in them and that is terrible. However, I would be bored living there for long. I've always wanted to adventure out, to see the world and live a different life than the one I was living. I can think of nothing else that I want to do with my life than act. To survive on this would be beyond wonderful, to thrive would be beyond asking, but I'm still here.
Thanks to my trip home, I will try and keep in mind that I need to play here too.
Being a person is more important than being an "actor".
My momma taught me that.
My momma taught me that.